Saved Guy Really Loves Adonai
Sarah Rosita Ellen Faulk
April 7, 1995 - July 24, 2021
RIP Sarah
This page is so hard for me to write. Here is some advice. Burying things doesn't always solve problems. It can actually leave permanent scars. Without you here, I lost so many opportunities. Opportunities to heal, opportunities to build. Opportunities to live beyond what once was. It is you that encourages me in a way to not give up on anyone and always strive to make things work. I made a mess out of my life because of nuisance things within me.
It was around late April or early May of 1998 when I first met you. My dad had just had his first daughter and named her Sarah also. She "Sarah Anderson" was just an infant in which I held for the first time. I had known of you but hadn't truly knew you due to my dad's different choices in life. After her birth in February, mom ( pregnant with Serah at the time), your Dad and you came and I got to meet you for the first time. Yes! you had just turned 3 years old and when you had met me for the first time, you clicked to me quick. Yea mom didn't visit us for 3 years till after you was born. That was the setup for us decided. I was about 11 years old. I had just been freed from a situation in my own life where I had "experiences" that lasted years. Most don't know.... and I didn't know about yours till recently.....
I will never forget the first day that you looked up to me and spoke to me. That was always hard for me to do. Taking initiative and trying to make a friend. But it wasn't hard for you. I became an introvert early in my life due to so many issues that I never got to talk to anyone about which I recently wished to share these things with you in new beginnings... You however broke that barrier of pain within me, between us, which changed my life. It brighten my path before me which had been dark for so long at my young age. I since then realized that you seemed to make many friends but never was able to stick around to keep a friend because of mom's lifestyle.
The problem with me is that early in life, life never really delivered a concept of true love to me through avenues that clearly taught me how to love. That means coming into my life and sticking with me no matter what. So responding to you may have seemed like negligence. And expressing it is hard. Here you was, a relationship that I didn't know how to handle. But somehow it worked out over the years for a while. Mom and you all didn't visit often. It was a bi-monthly type thing. You guys would visit every so often and when you did it was cool. Each time I knew you had waited to meet. Then again there goes that negligence. But through it all we all was strong. I remember going to FunsVille (Adventure Crossing) in Augusta. Going to movies. Going riding with you guys in the truck. In fact right now, I still can't imagine mom without you. It hasn't hit me yet that you are gone.Heck, I don't even feel I will see mom again the way things are going with the world. You made being with mom amazing. Love has a way at building foundations that can't be understood and I really wish I knew what I know now, in the past with you then. You would still be here. I would have been there to visit with you when you felt alone (because you can be surrounded by many people and still feel alone). I would have been there to rescue you when you were in trouble (as I have done for so many others). I would have been there to help you in your struggles.I know, at the root of your issues was the unstableness of the concept of love. I've learned that there is a lot of factors to your conclusions because I am dealing with them too. It's crazy we got all these other siblings, family members, friends, associates, digital social circles and so much more but no one wants to sit down and dig deep in to whats really bothering us. They are all so focused on themselves and the systematics of surviving this world, its economy, its politics and its academics instead of the mental and spiritual stability and unity of each other. Priorities that are not correct and leads to the down fall of the structure of sanity. That is the world today. They don't realize that "no sacrifice of self" yields no salvation of others. Which ultimately leads to the demise of self and the lack of salvation of self. It's hard to find people outside this block.
You were the oldest sister I have as I am the oldest son of our parent. But figuring out the answers to experiences, abuse, neglect, ignorance, and foolishness was never really our purpose. Experiences that many close to us don't even know or try to understand. All of these simply gives a clear picture of the levels of love around us and how people these days FAIL to sacrifice self for others. I'm no different. And now in this world I won't have the opportunity to own up to my mistakes with you. And that was definitely on my agenda. But the agenda wasn't enough practically, because while you was on my agenda, you were in your demise. And while practically I feel my prayers wasn't answered, spiritually I know they was. Nonetheless, answers to questions such as these could only be found within the creator which im sure you are with now. I thank God for confirming this with me because I questioned if I ever will see you again.
Life flew by us so fast that we really lost track at time. As you know the last time we really kicked it was year 2001 when mom had Sampson and I with you for six months. That was one of my most memorable moments in my childhood because in a way you showed me how I can be a kid after my "experiences" of so long that seperated me from the world, life and society. Those experiences which no one cares and all overlooks. Then came the tribulations that separated us all. From that point on space, time and distance took it's toll on us. You guys went back on the road and Sampson and I went back to my Dad's. Then you all eventually went to move overseas and I never took the opportunity to be there for you simply because.... of FEAR. Fear of rejection. I mean im flawed and want to be healed but the fear comes when rejection comes to mind of my past inner scars and tribulations. Why would you accept me with my iniquities? That question and it's uncertainty of answers kept me in my own prison for so long and hindered so much. I never overcame the tribulations that struck us. I Never travelled the distance that separated us. I Never took the time to even try to let you know that I'm still here for you. And for that I am sorry. I would never practically know of your forgiveness unless that is something that God wants me to know. And that for the rest of my life is a consequence I must swallow. No initiative means no effort. And no effort defines a lack of love. That revelation strikes to the core of me because I failed you in a way. But what I do know is with the answer I received from God, I know that you ARE in heaven and that I WILL see you again. So to me, I may have failed you but in this life you succeeded some way and for that I am happy. I just want you to know that everyday going forward I want to strive to make it a day as if I was going to heal our relationship. And yes that includes our sisters Serah and Serai even though I don't know how I'm gonna do that because I don't truly know them. But with God's guidance everything is possible. To tell you the truth there is a lot of other relationships I have that have cliffhangers and without God's intervention I don't know how to heal from them. But the revelations is the key and the initial step forward is to act on it. You being with God, im sure that by now you know exactly what im talking about. And I plan to do better as much as I can. But I want God to know I can't do it alone. I need strength, because I am weak in the absence of love. I need wisdom, because I am dumb in the absence of peace. I need comforting because to tell you the truth I believe there isn't a damn person out anywhere that care about me the way I know I should be cared about. Huh? That's probably what you felt before you left. And I think outside of a handful of people there never was. Time has took them away. And now that includes you. One thing I can see in my life that gives me hope is the activities of Christ in my life and that is the only thing in my life that has kept me going for so long. He does support me even though it can be slow at times. But what I don't understand is how I see him and you didnt. You was better at making friends than me. Maybe that will be answered for me one day. That I do pray for from heart. I love you Sarah Rosita Ellen. Even though I may not have done it the best. I tried! And I vow to be better going forward for everyone you left behind and those that I have effected by my negligence. See You Soon Sis and I will never forget you.
~Samuel 11/4/2022 @ 9:28pm
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